Okay so I will give this a whirl, after all I’m 41 years old and I’m from the old school use of computers. And I never could have imagined that things would be so far advanced today.I have been using computers since high school in some capacity or another. But it seems I have so much more to learn. After working in a school system for 10 years, I took an outside job with a local contractor to do secretarial work. Which is what I have always been doing since high school. But anyhoo! I love life and I wouldn’t change anything that I have done in my life because it has made me who I am. But sometimes I feel like I have lost it, myself and what I know or knew how to do. Women have such issues with hormones and their identity. I myself am a mother of an 18 year old and a wife of 22 years. But who else am I? I no longer have a job and that’s because it became difficult to work with certain types of women. I mean the ones that just push your buttons or get on your nerves to the point of not being able to do your job. Or from the nightmare of working for a group of men who tell you that all women are stupid..Of course this was told to me a least twice a week. But back to the point, I feel crazy sometimes. I used to have meds for this, but when you have no insurance and cant afford doctor visits, then you have to rely on your inner self. You know the one you went to when you were growing up. The one that helped you keep your head on straight, that’s when you thought you had problems. (haha!). I know everybody has issues or problems “welcome to the real world” but today it’s about my problems. Don’t get me wrong mine are very small considering what some people deal with on a daily basis. But I pray that somewhere in my background and in blogging about how I feel. I will find the answers that I’m looking for without meds or alcohol. Life is to short and I want to enjoy it once again like I did years back before I realized life sucks and then you die, broke and confused.

Today I had my first meltdown in the grocery store. I had a panic attack about the cost of food, and had to leave. I’m always worried about money but this was a first. I’m so sick of being weird. Nothing used to bother me and now everything does. I’m disgusted with myself over how I have let myself go and look and feel like crap. I have been drinking alot again and that doesnt help and i know that b/c I have been married to an alcoholic for 22 years. well anyway, I have got to find the inner me and get my shit together. I’m headed for a huge freakout if i don’t. I have two sisters that are crazy and on medication for it. So i’m part of the family addicts. I guess that’s it for today and we will see what another day brings...more bull shit!!!!!!!

Well, I have been going to the gym and things are going great. Once again I’m starting to find the old me. Positive outlook and depression is taking a back seat. I’m getting stronger and better with each passing day. Still have some bad habits to break but all in good time. I beat my time on the treadmill today and I’m feeling fabulous about that. I know that each day I will get stronger and more like myself. Gotta go lots to do!!!!!!!

Well I talked big on my last entry but my husband begged to come back and stay. He says we are married no matter what the attourney might say. But he has made a big change and has been sticking to it. I told him that it was that or be gone. I have managed to pay my bills by myself and have money to spend the way I want. I’m starting to be happy and find myself again. Miss my sis alot but getting closer to the other sis at this point. Today is a good day and we will see how it goes. later!!!!

What can i say except life stinks and sucks and we go on everyday...i luv my husband and my son/ but even my family and i still feel sad everyday. i dont know why but my sisters death seams to effect me more than any other family member. I guess b/c she was my best friend and i looked out for her always or so i thought/ I luv both of my sisters like there was no tomorrow and that is such a hard thing to let go. I have done this more than once in my lifetime being the oldest of 4 girls with a single mom, but all from the same father. Our mother wasn’t a whore but never felt the love and companionship that she felt she needed. Anyway my mom loved us and just wanted a man to love us as his own. Never happened even way back then b/c men are perverts but anyway i would like to just remember that i loved my mom & respected her for what she tried to do. My sisters and I are stronger than we think and we should always believe in ourselves b/c we are all that we have.. time to go for now and love the family that i have left....

Its my 42nd b-day today and Im still here. Have alot to be thankful for but I forget to do so. Im always obsessing about the little things. Miss my sister alot and Im getting closer to the only sis that I have left. My husband has made a big turn around and has lasted the last few months making changes to keep our marriage together. Cody is still awesome & doing well for himself. We will see what 2009 will bring for me and my family..bye for now!!!