Well its been awhile and not alot of changes. Still going to the gym and the only progress is that I’m still going. haha!!
Got more bad news last night to add to all the heartache of not having a job. My sister is very sick and I’m mean really sick not just your average not feeling well. But she is strong and has overcome alot of obstacles and I know she will be fine. I just got a call and I finally got hired for a new job and doing on a little of what I have been trained to do, and so the stress level will not be to bad. But other good things have been going on too. Earlier this month I went to my first concert and I went with my son. It was the ultimate and awesome to say the least. I went to the Projekt Revolution Tour, It was 10 bands and the main feature was Linkin Park. They are fabulous and it was a great time. I’m looking forward to my new job and so many things are going to be looking up with me having employment again. I will still go to the gym but now after work so I will have to adjust to that but its all good!!!

I’ve been going to the Gym quite regularly and its going good. The only bad thing is I gained 10 pounds, but that’s b/c I won’t quit drinking. So guess what? I’m going to do my best to quit and for more that just loosing weight. Feeling better about alot of things. Having a career is not one of them at this time b/c of the recession. And then my husband had another heart attack 3 weeks ago. So I really have to think about my future, b/c who knows if he will be around. One bright thing in my life is my son, and as a Mom I think he is awesome. But he really is the light of my life. He has really done well for himself considering all the problems he had in school. But he turned out to be amazing and that’s to say the least. Well that’s all for now, I’m just hanging in and at least I’m not as depressed.

Well, I have been going to the gym and things are going great. Once again I’m starting to find the old me. Positive outlook and depression is taking a back seat. I’m getting stronger and better with each passing day. Still have some bad habits to break but all in good time. I beat my time on the treadmill today and I’m feeling fabulous about that. I know that each day I will get stronger and more like myself. Gotta go lots to do!!!!!!!

Yesterday I joined the gym and today was my first day. Cody and I went around and looked at all the equipment and used a few things. Then we meet with a personal trainer, I picked him out after observing him with several different people. Rich seamed approachable and was willing to answer a couple of questions. That lead us into choosing him as out trainer. Things are looking better and today was a good day. (I’m physced) Cody and I have decided that since we have no health insurance and both require meds for depression and anxiety. That we would take the health approach, after all 22 yrs ago that’s what I knew best, so here we go!!!!!!

Today I had my first meltdown in the grocery store. I had a panic attack about the cost of food, and had to leave. I’m always worried about money but this was a first. I’m so sick of being weird. Nothing used to bother me and now everything does. I’m disgusted with myself over how I have let myself go and look and feel like crap. I have been drinking alot again and that doesnt help and i know that b/c I have been married to an alcoholic for 22 years. well anyway, I have got to find the inner me and get my shit together. I’m headed for a huge freakout if i don’t. I have two sisters that are crazy and on medication for it. So i’m part of the family addicts. I guess that’s it for today and we will see what another day brings...more bull shit!!!!!!!

Okay so I will give this a whirl, after all I’m 41 years old and I’m from the old school use of computers. And I never could have imagined that things would be so far advanced today.I have been using computers since high school in some capacity or another. But it seems I have so much more to learn. After working in a school system for 10 years, I took an outside job with a local contractor to do secretarial work. Which is what I have always been doing since high school. But anyhoo! I love life and I wouldn’t change anything that I have done in my life because it has made me who I am. But sometimes I feel like I have lost it, myself and what I know or knew how to do. Women have such issues with hormones and their identity. I myself am a mother of an 18 year old and a wife of 22 years. But who else am I? I no longer have a job and that’s because it became difficult to work with certain types of women. I mean the ones that just push your buttons or get on your nerves to the point of not being able to do your job. Or from the nightmare of working for a group of men who tell you that all women are stupid..Of course this was told to me a least twice a week. But back to the point, I feel crazy sometimes. I used to have meds for this, but when you have no insurance and cant afford doctor visits, then you have to rely on your inner self. You know the one you went to when you were growing up. The one that helped you keep your head on straight, that’s when you thought you had problems. (haha!). I know everybody has issues or problems “welcome to the real world” but today it’s about my problems. Don’t get me wrong mine are very small considering what some people deal with on a daily basis. But I pray that somewhere in my background and in blogging about how I feel. I will find the answers that I’m looking for without meds or alcohol. Life is to short and I want to enjoy it once again like I did years back before I realized life sucks and then you die, broke and confused.